last night Phil went go-karting with Parkside so he only got home around 12, and i tried to go to bed around 11:15 but i just tossed and turned and didn't feel like i could sleep. i don't like it when we're apart because all i do is push thoughts away that maybe i won't see him again, maybe this time is the time when i get the tragic phone call. and once you let yourself start thinking like that, it just spirals into all kinds of fears. like how many days would i take off work, would i go back to work? -this is a depressing post, maybe i should just stop here- actually i think the reason i don't like this post is because it realizes my biggest fear. i just don't know what i would do without him, i really don't know that there would be anyone else out there that would love me and put up with everything i'm about, and make me feel so comfortable. i knoooooow you can't just worry about people like that: a) it's useless, and b) it just makes you upset. like the time he had to make a delivery at 5:30 that lasted until 7:00 and i didn't hear anything from him until he walked in the door. the mind is a crazycrazy place. i feel like i can't just leave this post being just about that.

...ugh i just tried to write a funny story i heard and it came out all life-lessony and boring. i'm just going to stop here before i come to the realization that i am a boring person.