for your entertainment

last night Phil went go-karting with Parkside so he only got home around 12, and i tried to go to bed around 11:15 but i just tossed and turned and didn't feel like i could sleep. i don't like it when we're apart because all i do is push thoughts away that maybe i won't see him again, maybe this time is the time when i get the tragic phone call. and once you let yourself start thinking like that, it just spirals into all kinds of fears. like how many days would i take off work, would i go back to work? -this is a depressing post, maybe i should just stop here- actually i think the reason i don't like this post is because it realizes my biggest fear. i just don't know what i would do without him, i really don't know that there would be anyone else out there that would love me and put up with everything i'm about, and make me feel so comfortable. i knoooooow you can't just worry about people like that: a) it's useless, and b) it just makes you upset. like the time he had to make a delivery at 5:30 that lasted until 7:00 and i didn't hear anything from him until he walked in the door. the mind is a crazycrazy place. i feel like i can't just leave this post being just about that.

...ugh i just tried to write a funny story i heard and it came out all life-lessony and boring. i'm just going to stop here before i come to the realization that i am a boring person.

you wouldn't think it would get me so down

i don't think it's unreasonable to expect some free things in life...and it's not fair when someone else gets them.

so i haven't even decided if i'm going to write what i'm thinking about, because i'm not sure anyone (besides phil) even knows this about me, and i'll come off as insane and also wierd. but you are all my friends, so here goes. basically, i've now contacted a bunch of dieticians that take mental health into consideration when they do consultations, because i'm pretty sure i'm developing an unhealthy relationship with food. just a little example: mostly i don't eat junk food/desserts in front of people, because then they won't know i've eaten it (kind of like the "if a tree falls in a forest" thing). Don't worry, it's not like i'm not eating, belive me, i'm eating. Annnd i was invited to go to dairy queen for lunch on wednesday and it was this huge big dilemma for me, and afterwards i went online to find the nutritional "value" in the food i'd eaten, and i pretty much freaked out. ask phil, i was yelling. it's not like i'm obsessive about it (yet), i just want to fix it before i get there. it's probably not even that big of a deal, i just think about it waaaay more than i should. but either way, i'm not happy with my state of mind. I'm tryingtryingtrying to eat healthily, and for meals, i sure do. It's the snacks, the donuts we have at work every friday, not too mention whatever Agatha brings during the week, the cheesecake our work neighbors brought over yesterday, the baked stuff phil's mom always has at their house when we go over. And you know, i don't have to go to the lunchroom at work, but it's like, if i know it's there, it calls out to me and all common sense goes out the window, until i go eat it, if nothing else, to get it out of my head. I just went and had 1/2 a piece of cheesecake, but i know there's one piece left...good thing i go to the gym. basically it takes care of all the extras i'm eating. but that's the frustrating thing, because if i wasn't eating all that, i might've lost the 1 or 2 pounds i was looking to lose this month. color me frustrated.

2nd anniversary

inn at the forks, applebees, "Juno", and a potluck with friends. OH and shopping. it was a verrrry good time.